My suffrage campaign motto is "Four paws, one vote." Think of it this way: If they are man's best friends, what do we have to lose? Won't they instinctively know which candidate will serve us best?
Hey, we already trust them more than our congressmen. They don't raise taxes and the neutered ones don't sleep around.
Dogs have been invaluable to humans for a millennium. War dogs served their country in Vietnam, sniffing out land mines and tracking down injured soldiers. Guard dogs protected the family farm. Search dogs sniffed the rubble of buildings, hunting for earthquake survivors.
We trust them to be our eyes for the blind, our noses for finding bombs, our hands for quadriplegics. Isn't leading the blind like leading an uninformed democratic country?
A little training, a lot of hairspray, and one day a dog could even run for president.
I can tell you from personal experience, dogs have what it takes to win a debate. They have survival senses we lost when Armani replaced animal skins. Dogs smell fear, fend off wild animals, live off garbage and dig through mud. And isn't that what a good presidential campaign is all about?
Bipartisan relations would be stronger than ever after a good game of fetch. United Nations leaders would crumble under one look from the president's big, brown eyes. Media scandals would revolve around a yellow stain on the carpet in the Oval Office.
Of course, there are limits. Let's be reasonable - the name "Spot" or "Fluffy" on a ballot would never win. But with the right grooming and political ties, a dog named "Champ" would sweep the polls. Maybe a nice border collie from an old New England family.
Banners would read "Every dog has his day" and "Send a Champion to the White House." Alpo and Purina would donate millions in campaign finances.
With a little luck, he could even learn how to use a turn signal.
Whoa now. Let's not get too carried away.
Emily Burton is a staff writer
at The Advocate.|9/30/03***