Elect a president backed by Purina

October 06, 2003

At the risk of killing my career, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm just going to come out of hiding and admit that I am not a big fan of Republicans. Even young ones. But especially old ones in SUV's that don't use turn signals when they cut you off in traffic.

I'm usually upset when I get cut off, until I see their Bush bumper sticker. Then I understand; they were confused when they passed me on the right going 85. Their Bush sticker confirms that life-long confusion.

Apparently, most American's don't like Republicans either. Only a quarter of us voted for Bush in 2000. But then again, only half of us even bothered to vote. So, in the face of overwhelming human laziness and the downward spiral of a lackluster democracy, I say we expand the voting pool. Give suffrage to the 70 million unheard voices in America. It's time we let our dogs vote. Maybe they can do better.


My suffrage campaign motto is "Four paws, one vote." Think of it this way: If they are man's best friends, what do we have to lose? Won't they instinctively know which candidate will serve us best?

Hey, we already trust them more than our congressmen. They don't raise taxes and the neutered ones don't sleep around.

Dogs have been invaluable to humans for a millennium. War dogs served their country in Vietnam, sniffing out land mines and tracking down injured soldiers. Guard dogs protected the family farm. Search dogs sniffed the rubble of buildings, hunting for earthquake survivors.

We trust them to be our eyes for the blind, our noses for finding bombs, our hands for quadriplegics. Isn't leading the blind like leading an uninformed democratic country?

A little training, a lot of hairspray, and one day a dog could even run for president.

I can tell you from personal experience, dogs have what it takes to win a debate. They have survival senses we lost when Armani replaced animal skins. Dogs smell fear, fend off wild animals, live off garbage and dig through mud. And isn't that what a good presidential campaign is all about?

Bipartisan relations would be stronger than ever after a good game of fetch. United Nations leaders would crumble under one look from the president's big, brown eyes. Media scandals would revolve around a yellow stain on the carpet in the Oval Office.

Of course, there are limits. Let's be reasonable - the name "Spot" or "Fluffy" on a ballot would never win. But with the right grooming and political ties, a dog named "Champ" would sweep the polls. Maybe a nice border collie from an old New England family.

Banners would read "Every dog has his day" and "Send a Champion to the White House." Alpo and Purina would donate millions in campaign finances.

With a little luck, he could even learn how to use a turn signal.

Whoa now. Let's not get too carried away.

Emily Burton is a staff writer

at The Advocate.|9/30/03***

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