Off The Record: It's payback time for Chandler, Kerr

February 23, 2004|HERB BROCK

Winner Ben Chandler is packing his bags for Washington, D.C., where the Democrat will begin his new career as U.S. 6th District representative. Loser Alice Forgy Kerr - she likely will drop the Forgy middle name she exploited during the campaign to trade on her relationship with her more famous brother because it did her absolutely no good in Tuesday's election - is packing up her shoulder bag for the shorter trip to Frankfort where she will resume her current career as a state senator.

Not so fast, Mr. Chandler and Mrs. Kerr. If you all think you are going to be leaving your respective hometowns of Versailles and Lexington without hearing a few words from us, the voters, whom you bombarded, barraged and bored with your incessant television and radio commercials and recorded phone messages, you've got another thing coming.

For weeks - it seemed like months - both of you turned our homes into torture chambers. You turned our recliners into racks. You turned our kitchen tables into water torture cells. You turned our beds into whipping posts. You turned our hallways into treadmills that never stopped as we tried to run and run from the torture but never got away.


The pain was not inflicted by screws or whips. It was done by videos and voices. The pain did not hurt our bodies. It damaged our senses, especially vision and hearing. Our homes were filled with your smiling faces calling each other scumbags, calling yourselves saints and saying only you represent American, Kentucky, central Kentucky, Bluegrass, Boyle County, Danville, Indian Hills subdivision values.

From the zillion hours of commercials, we not only did not find out what exactly those values were but also we didn't learn a thing about what you would do positively in Congress. All we learned was that you had "approved of this message."

And just as we thought we could escape from the day and night of torture by going to sleep or taking a nap, you made our phones ring - and ring and ring and ring. You filled up our already throbbing ears or our phone message recorders or both with reminders of the Feb. 17 special election and whom we should remember on that day. Like we could ever forget.

Finally, after weeks of living in once peaceful homes that had been converted into telecommunications torture temples, we awakened last week to our old homes. Suddenly the commercials were amusing. Suddenly the wrong numbers were welcome.

Most of us have probably recovered from the torture. Most have us have, like you two, gone on with our lives. But some of us cannot forget the hell you put us through. For us, it's time for voter revenge. As politicans, you claim that you welcome feedback. Feedback? We'll give you feedback - feedback that's going to look a lot like payback.

Thus, in the near future, when you and your significant other settle down to watch your favorite TV program, plan for it to be interrupted by the several very special commercials produced just for you. Here's an example of such a commercial with visuals including pictures of a frowning Chandler and a sneering Kerr looking as trustworthy as Bonnie and Clyde.

Voice of a narrator: "Ben Chandler and Alice Forgy Kerr said during the last campaign that they shared our values. Based on their endless commercials, it's clear they both lied. These two nattering nabobs of negativism don't value spouses having quiet dinners together. They don't value brothers and sisters watching television together. They don't value families talking together. And, most of all, they don't value emotional or mental stability, not to mention healthy hearing and vision."

Camera zooms in on a woman: "Ben, Alice, we heard you for the last several weeks. Now it's time for you to hear us."

Camera backs up to show a man standing next to the woman: "My wife and I want to make sure you know just how much we appreciated your recent campaign, so we've arranged for this commercial to be aired during every break in every TV program on every channel on every network on your cable, direct, dish or whatever TV system you subscribe to. Have a nice day - day after day after day for the rest of eternity."

Camera zooms in on man: "I'm John Q. Public and I approve of this message."

Camera zooms in one woman: "I'm Jane Q. Public and I approve of my husband's approval of this message."

Word to Ben and Alice from your constituents: Candidates can run but they can't hide. You'll be hearing from us early and often.

Central Kentucky News Articles