Then, after I figured out they were talking about the computer equivalent of junk mail, I was interested in it. While my computer-literate colleagues were trying to figure out ways to block spam from entering their e-mail systems, I actually was intrigued by the spam that entered mine. I found it absolutely mind-boggling that people from around the country knew of me and my e-mail address. And I figured they must have been loyal readers and felt familiar with me because they would put my first name in the subject lines of their e-mails.
But after a while, I started to wonder about these e-mail friends of mine. They seemed to be obsessed with either sex or drugs or low mortgage rates. Here are a couple of fairly clean examples:
* "Herb, check out glamour chicks and their nice sets!"
* "Herb, stop admiring the big girls you love from afar and get up close and personal!"
* "Herb, super offers for super potent medications!"
* "Herb, up to 80 percent off your prescription meds!"
* "Herb, refinance at 2.9 percent!"
* "Herb, own that dream home at under 3 percent!"
From my dream cave, I read this stuff for years thinking it was personal to me. Then I emerged from my Neanderthalic mental abode one day not long ago to realize there was nothing personal at all about these e-mails selling stuff to enhance my sex life, medical condition and home-owning status.
And I decided it was time these e-mail ads promoting small lending rates, medicine cabinets full of drugs and big girls and big other things came to a stop. Since I realized these promos weren't personal to me, I have found it annoying to check out my e-mails at work every morning and find as many as 30 are from spamsters. I have been so annoyed, in fact, that I go overboard when I'm deleting these messages and sometimes accidentally kill off e-mails actually meant for me and not having anything to do with Viagra.
While the more sophisticated, computer-literate folks attempt to fight spamsters electronically and legally, I am battling them and, fittingly, doing it primitively. I am spamming the spamsters.
Every so often, I will take the time to pick out two or three spamsters and then send e-mails to them with my own promotions. Examples:
* "Bill, you'll go yikes over the sexy yaks I've lined up for you!"
* "Pete, check out these Serbo-Croatian midget acrobat chicks just waiting to meet you!"
* "Suzy, big boys with beer guts can't wait to belch on a date with you!"
* "Tom, no-interest loans for that dream double-wide!"
* "Dick, check out this list of loan sharks and the free bullet-proof vest with every loan application you'll need if you don't pay them on time!"
* "Harry, you won't have to drive to Mexico or Canada when you can get comparable drugs at low, low prices close to home from precocious 8-year-old geeks with new chemistry sets!"
My assault on the spamsters hasn't reduced the number of spam e-mails but it has given me a rush - and it does so without any porn, pills or no-pay loans.