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Bloopers can bring unintended humor to church bulletins

April 15, 2005|HERB BROCK

The Rev. Don Benningfield used to get a chuckle out of church bulletin typos. In fact, the pastor of Danville's Centenary United Methodist Church enjoyed the unintended humor contained in bulletin bloopers so much that he collected them.

One of his favorite bulletin miscues, contained in another church's bulletin (thank God), is this one:

"Youth services will be conducted at both the north and south ends of the church. Babies will be baptized at both ends."

Rim shot, please.

Another favorite of Benningfield's was an announcement about an upcoming meeting of a church's administrative board, but the letters in board were switched around to create a word with a much different meaning:

"The administrative broad will meet at 7 p.m. Monday in the church library."

Needless to say, more than a few parishioners, especially lonely men, showed up at the meeting to find out which woman in the congregation was serving as the church's "administrative broad." They also probably were curious which secretary could be so politically incorrect as to refer to the poor woman as a "broad."

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"As long as it not totally distasteful, a typo can be funny, and we need humor, especially that which is not unexpected, to lighten our days," said Benningfield.

Events also have brought smiles to the pastor's face, though he has to try hard to keep a straight face.

"I officiated at a wedding where the father of the bride was particularly nervous," he said. "I had met with him before the wedding to make sure he got his line down but the practice did not make perfect.

"When it came time during the service for him to present his daughter, I said to him, 'Who gives this woman?" and he mumbled and stuttered, then finally said, 'My mother and I.' In one short sentence, he managed to exclude his wife and replace her with his wife's mother-in-law."

But Benningfield will poke fun at his own foibles.

"A woman who was to be baptized insisted that she be immersed. Although we normally 'sprinkle,' I agreed and arranged for the baptism to occur at Herrington Lake," he said.

"Well, she was baptized in the lake but not before a certain pastor performing the baptism had gotten wet first. Yes, I fell into the lake."

Bulletin bloopers

But a lot of the unintended humor created in churches comes from those bulletin bloopers, and here are some that were shared by other area pastors along with a few James M. Hare Jr., a Chicago humorist who wrote a piece on the chuckles that can come from reading church bulletins:

* Announcement in a church bulletin for a national prayer and fasting conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

* The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

* Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

* Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community.

* Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who does not care much about you.

* Don't let worry kill you off. Let the Church help.

* For those of you who have children and do not know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

* During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

* The women of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All women are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

* The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Members are asked to please use large double door at the side entrance.

* The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

* This being Easter Sabbath, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.



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