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On The Light Side: A step away from being a mom

May 14, 2006|EMILY TOADVINE

I've often thought about writing about my mother-in-law for Mother's Day. I have a great mother, but writing about my mother-in-law would just be a little different twist and my mother-in-law cares for others in so many ways. But this year Mother's Day is near the graduation date of someone who first turned me into a mother. It's my stepdaughter, Lauren, and I've known her since she was 2.

Now she's 18 and getting ready to launch out into the world. She already knows what she wants to do and has a headstart. She wants to be a Christian counselor and I think a lot of the advice she gives out to her little sister, to her friends and to me, all contains a dose of the gospel.

But even if she is a self-assured young lady, I remember when she was just a girl. Like a little doll, she came equipped with a bag of clothes as she traveled from her mom's house to her dad's house for overnights. Mothers often worry about whether their children are dressed for the weather, but Lauren had it all mapped out. She wore cool clothes and warm clothes. It was two layers of clothing and if she got warm, she just stripped down to the next layer, which was a pair of shorts and a short-sleeved shirt.

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She always seemed like a little adult. I was so amazed at how well she communicated. From the time I've known her, she could say anything she wanted and say it plain. She stumbled a little bit with "bitamin" which was supposed to be vitamin. But that was the only thing.

But this little unpredictable doll was a bit of a pill sometimes. One of the frustrations I faced was that I wasn't her mom. I remember taking a walk around the block when I heard her singing in the bathroom, "I love momma. I love daddy. But I don't love Emily." Kids are honest about their emotions. But now she tells me, "I love you," every time I see her and I tell her, too.

I guess I look back on her younger days and think of all the energy I had, like you do for the firstborn. We went camping, never mind that her dad had to carry her over the two-mile hike. We loved on an old hound dog together. I cried when I saw her daddy giving her a healthy dose of Johnson's baby powder after her bath.

There were collisions with her mother, but that is to be expected. She was fierce, like she was defending her cub, and that is her job. I sometimes look back and known I could have been a better stepmother. Now that I have a little girl of my own, I see how sensitive they can be. I never when asked that question about whether she had a muffin top or not would have answered, "You are a little thick around the middle." That is like a cardinal sin for a woman against another woman. Do not think that her mother did not hear about that and let me know how that affected self-esteem.

But now, this girl has blossomed and she is going to help others heal from whatever is hurting them. I really think she is going to be world famous in this line of work. What else would a mother think?

I may not be her mother, but I'm just a step away.

Emily Toadvine is features editor for The Advocate.

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