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The Christmas Song

December 13, 2007

Word to the CIA: Waterboarding's for sissies. If you really want to get those terror suspects to spill the falafel beans, tie them to a tree outside the Lincoln County Courthouse and make them listen to Mariah Carey caterwauling Christmas carols over the loudspeaker.

Directly across the street, we at The IJ have been subjected to this extreme torture for several days, and we're ready to reveal our computer passwords, our PINs, the Pentagon go codes, anything.

Just make it stop!

The constant blare recalls the U.S. military's use of rap and rock to flush out Manuel Noriega after the 1989 invasion of Panama. Mr. Noriega couldn't take it anymore and surrendered.

The FBI blared progressively more irritating music while trying to flush Branch Davidians from their armed compound in Waco, Texas in 1993. The Dividians set themselves on fire.

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Speaking of progressively irritating, the courthouse followed Ms. Carey with Celene Dion, who gave us all extremely long faces.

Does the courthouse's action signal increased hostilities? Are its personnel resorting psychological operations to irritate and vanquish the media?

Maybe.

While the harmful effects of Ms. Carey's ultrasonic onslaught may be unknown for some time, we've learned what to get the courthouse for Christmas: some Mel Torme.

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